Str8er than hair str8ners

OMG u wd not belieeeeve the wkend I’ve had, sweeedies. I thought it wd b soooo lame as well. I mean, I wuz goin 2 have 2 stay in an’ everythin. Can u imagine it? Mee staying in the house at the wkend. Just coz those wankerz at the bank got reeeally up themselves and took my cards off me. Bitches!

They soo don’t understand what it takes 2 b a fabulous gay like me. The Louis Vuitton bag, Ghost tank top and Yves Saint Laurent silk scarf with ‘aborted foetus screen print’ were SO not ‘frivolous purchases’. As for that Barclays bi-yatch who said I had to ‘lay off the shopping or else’ – well, fuck you and your Wizard’s sleeve hunny. No shopping – I’d die.

Well, anyways I was in SUCH a strop after that I had to go out on the rob to calm down. Nathan was SO useless – work on a Saturday’s for loserz. If they evah try to rota me in at the wkend I just drop some GHB on me tea break, start cryin’ in front of the supervisor and tell the dozy cow I got date raped last night.

So seein’ as Nathan wuz busy sweepin’ up munters’ hair I took my fabulous fag hag friend Dawn with me. Now me and Dawn have been dead good mates evah since she fell off a pair of cork wedge heels into me upstairz in Spirit two years ago.

Yeah, she’s well fat and always tries to fuck me when she’s drunk and like bursts into tears when I tell her like “Have you got a cock, Dawn? Then fuck off out my life like right now”. But she’s got a car (well, it’s like a purple Nissan Micra with cuddly toy seats) and all good queeenz need wheels, don’t they sweeeeties? I couldn’t have a car like that mind. All the cum would mat the fur fabric up. LOL!!!

Right, so I met up with Dawn and we both went ’lifting in Selfridges. I have to be careful there – evah since that shit went down with the acid in the Dior body lotion (she deserved it, the stuck-up cow!) I had the YSL scarf on and this ace kaftan I nicked out the changing rooms in Flannels though, so I was looking totally Posh-tastic. Plus, seeing as Nathan gave Dawn a brand new lesbian cut and highlights she well out-butches me.

The kaftan turned out 2 b fan-fucking-tastic. I managed to stuff like two Prada cardigans, an unstructured baguette handbag and sum DEVINE shell pinkGucci thong flip flops up there. Then all I had 2 do was pretend 2 be pregnant and make like I wuz going to have morning sickness like ALL OVAH the Chloe Autumn/Winter collection to get the hell outa there.

It wuz gr8. Even if Dawn did get detained for questioning. Wuss. It’s her own fault. If she wasn’t such a big fat lezzer in denial she’d have so been able to outrun that chav in a tie security guard.

Course the one who caught up with me round the back of Kendal’s was totally fucking clueless. Called me ‘madam’ and everything’. It was like hysterical.

Especially when I asked him if there wuz ‘anythin I can do, officer?’ and licked me lips at him.

Ooh, nearly forgot. Must pop the kaftan in the dry cleaner’s. Lateeerrrzzzz!