Working Gurl

Hey loserz, Nathan signin’ in 4 a bit of pre-weekend fun. It’s gonna b gr8. Me and Danny r off 4 a night on the scrounge since we’re both skint – no thanks to that total wanka who sold us Tippex fuckin thinner instead of GHB. What does ‘e think we are? Fuckin’ glue sniffing scrotes. As if. Me n Danny only go 4 the best class As.

But anyways, I so can’t wait 4 work to finish today. Sometimes it’s so vile wurkin here u wouldn’t believe it. My jizz-breath boss, Duncan, is completely Sigourney Weaver in Working Gurl (he even had the perm like a million years ago in the 80s. I’ve seen the pictures. LOL!)



Which means I’m totally Melanie Griffiths, who is absolutely fab. I’m gonna have plastic surgery just like hers when I’m older. The face like a puffa fish with a peanut allergy look is SO for the noughties.

He’s being really mean today. Just coz I was like half an hour late this morning (I had hair str8ning issues – okay!) he’s keeping me behind after. Danny’s well jealous. He thinks Duncan’s like a dead fit DILF (Dad I’d Like to Fuck. LOL!)

He’s doing a root lift on some hard-faced office fish right now. I took the appointment call from her the other day. She wuz a complete bitch when I told her we don’t do late appointments. I mean, get real sista. Some of us have social lives!

So she got well arsey and wouldn’t get off the phone till I put her on to Duncan. She wuz sayin’ things like “I didn’t get where I am today by bandying words with some shop dolly.” And I was like “Whateva. Like I’m gonna be a shop dolly all my life.”

I know u wdn’t think to look at me, but I’m more than just a pretty face. It’s just like Melanie – I’ve got a head for business and a bod for sin. If that fannypad thinks I’m gonna spend all my life sweepin’ hair off floors in a crappy salon she’s well wrong. I’m gonna have my own salon and do body wraps and everythin’. It’ll be in London and total stars like Jordan’ll come round for me to do their makeup for premiers and OK fashion shoots and stuff. I’ll be like the celebrity miracle worker they use in Heat to diss things like Davina McCall’s new dye job (unless I’d done it anyway).

And I know what ur sayin right now. Where’s he gonna get the money for a swanky salon when he’s spent his wage packet by Wednesday on clubbing, drugs and being fantastic? Well that’s where having the head of a brilliant businesswoman comes in handy and this is the plan.

Right, u’ve gotta keep real quiet coz it’s a secret. There’s this dead famous actor, right. U know ‘im off the telly and he’s really old and gross but wut do I care coz I can just close my eyes and think of Paul Danan (he’s so fit! I luv scally psychos) Well this actor’s down this pub on Canal Street like every night lookin’ 4 people to take home like the dirty slut he is.

He usually totally goes 4 scals but that doesn’t matter either. All I hav to do is borrow me Mum’s tracksuit, get Danny to nick a baseball cap 4 me and I’m away. I can go up to ‘im, slap his arse (betta make sure I don’t ride the waves, mind) and do it for £50.

That’s when the fun starts tho. How much do u reckon The Sun wd pay 4 the pictures?

I’m dead excited now. This time next month I cd b the new Abi Titmuss!