Star Gayzer
Hiya luvzzz, it’s Nathan. Ya miss me?
I’ve been like sooo busy at the moment though. Wurk’s jus’ mental. I mean, what is it with theze rich bitches gettin their hair dun 4 Xmas? Like avin a new set of lowlights iz gonna make their husbands luv them again and stuff. Whateva! Half the time I’m stood there with tha peroxide an there goin on like “I jus want him 2 notice me again, Nathan”. And I’m like “U wish, sista. U really want his cock back when it’s been in and out the typin pool and halfway round the massage parlours ovah by Piccadilly? Well that’z ur bout of clap, not mine!”
Plus I’ve got my new regime 2 think about. Watch this space queenz coz this time next year I’m gonna b a full-on Muscle Mary! Yeah, I’ve decided that the 2005 twink on crack look is completely last year. (Well, I read it in Attitude and that’s the next best thing 2 God.) No, bein a Muscle Mary’s ace parently. 4 one thing, ur spendin on clothes goes right down. I mean, who wants a Gaultier unstructured mohair tanktop when u can head down tha basement in Essentials in a pair of hot pants flashin ur disco tits. An if it gets xtra cold u can jus put a fur coat ovah the top and be totally old skool slut on the way in2 town.
So I did the right thing, fanzzz. First of all I went str8 down 2 Dodgy Kev, me and Danny’s deala, 4 some essential supplies – 6 months of steroids and a wrap of K 4 a bit of R&R afta the workout. Then I went and joined a gym.
Well, when I went there the first time I was soooooooo fucked off. They had these steam rooms and Jacuzzis that like no one wuz havin sex in. I mean, what’z the point in that? And they smelt reeeeeally weird too. It wiz like menthol when everyone knows they shud smell of shit n popperzz.
An as 4 this ‘fitness’ stuff. Wot a rip-off. 4 a start they like made me have this personal trainin seshun with sum bloke. He had an ace body but wuz sooooooo not a propa Muscle Mary – like where were the googly eyes and the sunken cheeks from the drugz and late nightz? I’m tellin u sista, I want my beef with needle tracks or nuthin.
So he had me doin thingz like runnin (in these shoes? Not evenif Kylie wuz on fire and I wux holdin the bucket). And then he took me ovah 2 this bench (I gotta bit excited here but the cocktease jus told me to put me erection away) and sed “Now 4 the weightliftin.”
Get this! He wuz like tryin 2 get me to lift all these dead heavy weights. Fuck that. If I eva have 2 move sumthing big (part from a cock, that is LOL!) I’m str8 on the phone 2 Big Dawn. She’z got the bulk 4 liftin and I’m not gonna chip my manicure 4 no man,
Well, I wuzn’t havin none of that. I wuz right back at him with “Look hunny, can we not do this the propa way. U show me how I can get the weight on the good ol’ fashioned with with steroidz an we can both go home early. He made out like he wuz ded shocked and walked off. Well, I was fuuuuurious!
Then all of a sudden – I heard it. Out of tha corna of the gym. There wuz this door open and they were playin music. Cher! I thought this iz more your style sweetie and minced in 4 a look. Once I wuz in though, it only got 4 million times betta.
Guess who wuz in there, teachin aerobics in this leotard that looked like a pool of kebab sick on Deansgate and a huuuuuuuuuuuuuge scrunchie. Liz McDonald. Turns out she’z taught there yearz. I wuz dead impressed. I mean, that perm’z like a national treasure. U can only get frizz like that afta yearrrzzz of hairdryer abuse. It’s like the hair equivalent of me n Danny’s livers. LOL!
I’ve been like sooo busy at the moment though. Wurk’s jus’ mental. I mean, what is it with theze rich bitches gettin their hair dun 4 Xmas? Like avin a new set of lowlights iz gonna make their husbands luv them again and stuff. Whateva! Half the time I’m stood there with tha peroxide an there goin on like “I jus want him 2 notice me again, Nathan”. And I’m like “U wish, sista. U really want his cock back when it’s been in and out the typin pool and halfway round the massage parlours ovah by Piccadilly? Well that’z ur bout of clap, not mine!”
Plus I’ve got my new regime 2 think about. Watch this space queenz coz this time next year I’m gonna b a full-on Muscle Mary! Yeah, I’ve decided that the 2005 twink on crack look is completely last year. (Well, I read it in Attitude and that’s the next best thing 2 God.) No, bein a Muscle Mary’s ace parently. 4 one thing, ur spendin on clothes goes right down. I mean, who wants a Gaultier unstructured mohair tanktop when u can head down tha basement in Essentials in a pair of hot pants flashin ur disco tits. An if it gets xtra cold u can jus put a fur coat ovah the top and be totally old skool slut on the way in2 town.
So I did the right thing, fanzzz. First of all I went str8 down 2 Dodgy Kev, me and Danny’s deala, 4 some essential supplies – 6 months of steroids and a wrap of K 4 a bit of R&R afta the workout. Then I went and joined a gym.
Well, when I went there the first time I was soooooooo fucked off. They had these steam rooms and Jacuzzis that like no one wuz havin sex in. I mean, what’z the point in that? And they smelt reeeeeally weird too. It wiz like menthol when everyone knows they shud smell of shit n popperzz.
An as 4 this ‘fitness’ stuff. Wot a rip-off. 4 a start they like made me have this personal trainin seshun with sum bloke. He had an ace body but wuz sooooooo not a propa Muscle Mary – like where were the googly eyes and the sunken cheeks from the drugz and late nightz? I’m tellin u sista, I want my beef with needle tracks or nuthin.
So he had me doin thingz like runnin (in these shoes? Not evenif Kylie wuz on fire and I wux holdin the bucket). And then he took me ovah 2 this bench (I gotta bit excited here but the cocktease jus told me to put me erection away) and sed “Now 4 the weightliftin.”
Get this! He wuz like tryin 2 get me to lift all these dead heavy weights. Fuck that. If I eva have 2 move sumthing big (part from a cock, that is LOL!) I’m str8 on the phone 2 Big Dawn. She’z got the bulk 4 liftin and I’m not gonna chip my manicure 4 no man,
Well, I wuzn’t havin none of that. I wuz right back at him with “Look hunny, can we not do this the propa way. U show me how I can get the weight on the good ol’ fashioned with with steroidz an we can both go home early. He made out like he wuz ded shocked and walked off. Well, I was fuuuuurious!
Then all of a sudden – I heard it. Out of tha corna of the gym. There wuz this door open and they were playin music. Cher! I thought this iz more your style sweetie and minced in 4 a look. Once I wuz in though, it only got 4 million times betta.
Guess who wuz in there, teachin aerobics in this leotard that looked like a pool of kebab sick on Deansgate and a huuuuuuuuuuuuuge scrunchie. Liz McDonald. Turns out she’z taught there yearz. I wuz dead impressed. I mean, that perm’z like a national treasure. U can only get frizz like that afta yearrrzzz of hairdryer abuse. It’s like the hair equivalent of me n Danny’s livers. LOL!
So I wuz str8 in there, did tha routine str8 off (it wuz just like podium dancin in Essentials) and get this – Liz (She sez her name’s Bev but like I give a shit) is my nooo best friend. Much betta than skanky old Nikki Sanderson. Liz’s got class. She’d neva embarrass herself on Disco Mania or nuthin. Well, not sober anywayz
Gotta dash now. Me n Liz are off on a bar crawl. We’re doin it str8 bar gay bar and seein how many shandies we can get through. Hand shandies mind. LOL!
posted by klee @ 9:21 AM
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