german sausage

Heya sweetheartz, ya miss us? It's Nathan here, and seein as they've finally lifted that restrainin order I can tell yer me real name. (If yer see that bitch Nancy Dell'ollio around hoof her in the camel toe for us, will ya? I don't care what yer say, her skin would be perfect for a Birkin bag - it's just the right shade of brown.)

My actual name is Nathan Jones. I was called after the Bananarama song coz by the time me Mum found out she was pregnant she'd been 'gone too long'. Actually she sez it was after The Supremes. But evah since Diana Ross did that duet with Westlife she's been dead to me.

I'm not sayin sorry fer goin away, mind (I don't do emotion, it's not good for the skin) but that was ONE big K hole. Not wot we've been doing - Germany. See, me and Danni've just come back from the World Cup. It woz dead sad too coz we'd just been out with the England team.

Now I know what you’re thinking. What does a queen like me about football? And I’m with you, honeyzz. As far as I’m concerned balls are for lickin not for kickin. Me and Danny were out there for the important stuff. We were like the Wife and Girlfriend Liaison officers. You know, the WAGfags.

They did only want one of us out there but I was like, "sweetheartz, it’s double ended or nuthing". I mean, what happens after dinner with just one of us? You need one person to hold Victoria Beckham’s hair back, one to shove their fingers down her throat.

No, I’m just jokin there. They're cleverer than that. See, if you're sum footballer's wife who's like all about the glama and ribs stickin through yer Cavalli yer've got standards to keep up. And all that stomach acid can play heck with yer French manicure. So they use chopsticks, see. That's why yer always see celebs in Wagamama and Nobu. Easy to chuck up afta.

The other thing about old Posh is that when yer’ve got the body mass index of a famine victim (no, she’s dead open about it. She’s always sayin the best figure are on three day old corpses) yer can’t take yer drink. Her – two glasses of Krug and she’s like a date rape victim. That’s why David Beckham’s always shaggin around. He's not like other footballers yer know. He don't like rape much.

I was actually meant to be lookin afta her one night but it got a bit embarrassing. See, I'd winked at this dead fit wine waiter over dinner and he passed us a note sayin he needed somewhere warm to keep a bottle of Rioja. And seein as Kinga was SO my icon o' 2005 I went off in the back with him. (It's Lea this time round by the way - big tits and mental damage - just like me Mum).

Victoria, mind you, had been havin a reeeeeally tough day. Geri'd been on the phone most of it. Poor love's findin motherhood tough. Well, yer would if yer like her. So self-centred her own breast implants are locked in a geostationary orbit. So Vicky love switched her phone off, ordered brandy…

By the time we’d got finished up and I’d fished the cork out she’d gone. Couldn’t find her anywhere. I was frantic. It wasn’t until the next morning when we heard whimpering coming from the broomcupboard. It only turned out that Danny’d given one of the cleaners a line of K and they’d taken her for a mop and locked her away for the night. Getting her back out was awful. We went through four Vileda supermops till we realised she was the one with the Gucci shades on.

So afta that she wouldn't speak to me (mardy bitch - not my fault she's got a figure like a bog brush with a vulva). So I spent most of the time watchin that Cheryl Tweedy, mind. She loves the gays, you know. She'd have to really. No, she’s really upfront about it when yer ask her. She’s like: “I like cock and wedding cake. It gives us somethin to talk to Ashley about.”I said nowt. And I'll tell yer one thing. She NEVER rings him on his mobile.

Laterrzz sweethearts, I'm just off to buy Colleen MCloughlin another mace spray for Wayne. It's like me Mum used to say about her gangsta boyfriends: hate the man, luv luvvv LUV his credit cards. She's livin the dream and shaggin a nightmare. Fair exchange.