Crimpers Of Fire!

german sausage

2006-07-07T08:42:00.000-07:00

Heya sweetheartz, ya miss us? It's Nathan here, and seein as they've finally lifted that restrainin order I can tell yer me real name. (If yer see that bitch Nancy Dell'ollio around hoof her in the camel toe for us, will ya? I don't care what yer say, her skin would be perfect for a Birkin bag - it's just the right shade of brown.)

My actual name is Nathan Jones. I was called after the Bananarama song coz by the time me Mum found out she was pregnant she'd been 'gone too long'. Actually she sez it was after The Supremes. But evah since Diana Ross did that duet with Westlife she's been dead to me.

I'm not sayin sorry fer goin away, mind (I don't do emotion, it's not good for the skin) but that was ONE big K hole. Not wot we've been doing - Germany. See, me and Danni've just come back from the World Cup. It woz dead sad too coz we'd just been out with the England team.

Now I know what you’re thinking. What does a queen like me about football? And I’m with you, honeyzz. As far as I’m concerned balls are for lickin not for kickin. Me and Danny were out there for the important stuff. We were like the Wife and Girlfriend Liaison officers. You know, the WAGfags.

They did only want one of us out there but I was like, "sweetheartz, it’s double ended or nuthing". I mean, what happens after dinner with just one of us? You need one person to hold Victoria Beckham’s hair back, one to shove their fingers down her throat.

No, I’m just jokin there. They're cleverer than that. See, if you're sum footballer's wife who's like all about the glama and ribs stickin through yer Cavalli yer've got standards to keep up. And all that stomach acid can play heck with yer French manicure. So they use chopsticks, see. That's why yer always see celebs in Wagamama and Nobu. Easy to chuck up afta.

The other thing about old Posh is that when yer’ve got the body mass index of a famine victim (no, she’s dead open about it. She’s always sayin the best figure are on three day old corpses) yer can’t take yer drink. Her – two glasses of Krug and she’s like a date rape victim. That’s why David Beckham’s always shaggin around. He's not like other footballers yer know. He don't like rape much.

I was actually meant to be lookin afta her one night but it got a bit embarrassing. See, I'd winked at this dead fit wine waiter over dinner and he passed us a note sayin he needed somewhere warm to keep a bottle of Rioja. And seein as Kinga was SO my icon o' 2005 I went off in the back with him. (It's Lea this time round by the way - big tits and mental damage - just like me Mum).

Victoria, mind you, had been havin a reeeeeally tough day. Geri'd been on the phone most of it. Poor love's findin motherhood tough. Well, yer would if yer like her. So self-centred her own breast implants are locked in a geostationary orbit. So Vicky love switched her phone off, ordered brandy…

By the time we’d got finished up and I’d fished the cork out she’d gone. Couldn’t find her anywhere. I was frantic. It wasn’t until the next morning when we heard whimpering coming from the broomcupboard. It only turned out that Danny’d given one of the cleaners a line of K and they’d taken her for a mop and locked her away for the night. Getting her back out was awful. We went through four Vileda supermops till we realised she was the one with the Gucci shades on.

So afta that she wouldn't speak to me (mardy bitch - not my fault she's got a figure like a bog brush with a vulva). So I spent most of the time watchin that Cheryl Tweedy, mind. She loves the gays, you know. She'd have to really. No, she’s really upfront about it when yer ask her. She’s like: “I like cock and wedding cake. It gives us somethin to talk to Ashley about.”I said nowt. And I'll tell yer one thing. She NEVER rings him on his mobile.

Laterrzz sweethearts, I'm just off to buy Colleen MCloughlin another mace spray for Wayne. It's like me Mum used to say about her gangsta boyfriends: hate the man, luv luvvv LUV his credit cards. She's livin the dream and shaggin a nightmare. Fair exchange.

Star Gayzer

2005-12-15T09:21:00.000-08:00

Hiya luvzzz, it’s Nathan. Ya miss me?

I’ve been like sooo busy at the moment though. Wurk’s jus’ mental. I mean, what is it with theze rich bitches gettin their hair dun 4 Xmas? Like avin a new set of lowlights iz gonna make their husbands luv them again and stuff. Whateva! Half the time I’m stood there with tha peroxide an there goin on like “I jus want him 2 notice me again, Nathan”. And I’m like “U wish, sista. U really want his cock back when it’s been in and out the typin pool and halfway round the massage parlours ovah by Piccadilly? Well that’z ur bout of clap, not mine!”

Plus I’ve got my new regime 2 think about. Watch this space queenz coz this time next year I’m gonna b a full-on Muscle Mary! Yeah, I’ve decided that the 2005 twink on crack look is completely last year. (Well, I read it in Attitude and that’s the next best thing 2 God.) No, bein a Muscle Mary’s ace parently. 4 one thing, ur spendin on clothes goes right down. I mean, who wants a Gaultier unstructured mohair tanktop when u can head down tha basement in Essentials in a pair of hot pants flashin ur disco tits. An if it gets xtra cold u can jus put a fur coat ovah the top and be totally old skool slut on the way in2 town.

So I did the right thing, fanzzz. First of all I went str8 down 2 Dodgy Kev, me and Danny’s deala, 4 some essential supplies – 6 months of steroids and a wrap of K 4 a bit of R&R afta the workout. Then I went and joined a gym.

Well, when I went there the first time I was soooooooo fucked off. They had these steam rooms and Jacuzzis that like no one wuz havin sex in. I mean, what’z the point in that? And they smelt reeeeeally weird too. It wiz like menthol when everyone knows they shud smell of shit n popperzz.

An as 4 this ‘fitness’ stuff. Wot a rip-off. 4 a start they like made me have this personal trainin seshun with sum bloke. He had an ace body but wuz sooooooo not a propa Muscle Mary – like where were the googly eyes and the sunken cheeks from the drugz and late nightz? I’m tellin u sista, I want my beef with needle tracks or nuthin.

So he had me doin thingz like runnin (in these shoes? Not evenif Kylie wuz on fire and I wux holdin the bucket). And then he took me ovah 2 this bench (I gotta bit excited here but the cocktease jus told me to put me erection away) and sed “Now 4 the weightliftin.”

Get this! He wuz like tryin 2 get me to lift all these dead heavy weights. Fuck that. If I eva have 2 move sumthing big (part from a cock, that is LOL!) I’m str8 on the phone 2 Big Dawn. She’z got the bulk 4 liftin and I’m not gonna chip my manicure 4 no man,

Well, I wuzn’t havin none of that. I wuz right back at him with “Look hunny, can we not do this the propa way. U show me how I can get the weight on the good ol’ fashioned with with steroidz an we can both go home early. He made out like he wuz ded shocked and walked off. Well, I was fuuuuurious!

Then all of a sudden – I heard it. Out of tha corna of the gym. There wuz this door open and they were playin music. Cher! I thought this iz more your style sweetie and minced in 4 a look. Once I wuz in though, it only got 4 million times betta.

Guess who wuz in there, teachin aerobics in this leotard that looked like a pool of kebab sick on Deansgate and a huuuuuuuuuuuuuge scrunchie. Liz McDonald. Turns out she’z taught there yearz. I wuz dead impressed. I mean, that perm’z like a national treasure. U can only get frizz like that afta yearrrzzz of hairdryer abuse. It’s like the hair equivalent of me n Danny’s livers. LOL!

So I wuz str8 in there, did tha routine str8 off (it wuz just like podium dancin in Essentials) and get this – Liz (She sez her name’s Bev but like I give a shit) is my nooo best friend. Much betta than skanky old Nikki Sanderson. Liz’s got class. She’d neva embarrass herself on Disco Mania or nuthin. Well, not sober anywayz

Gotta dash now. Me n Liz are off on a bar crawl. We’re doin it str8 bar gay bar and seein how many shandies we can get through. Hand shandies mind. LOL!

Back 2 Homo

2005-12-02T09:41:00.000-08:00

Weeelll gayzz, how u been doin without Danny’s faberlousness then? Don’t wurry any longa mind, coz the bitch is back. LOL!

OMG tho, it’s been like such an exciting last few days. I thought I’d be totally gutted 2 have to leave chokey – but Crusha Higginz wuz getting well weird. I mean, he kept cornerin me in the recreation room 2 ask about our ‘relationship’ and sayin he like luvvd me and wanted 2 make me his full-time bitch. And I was like completely, “Whatever! Think I want yer last rolo, sweetheart? Get real and shuv me face back in that pillow quick, I havven’t been plugged in like minutes.”

So it turned out that Nikki Sanderson cummin on board the ‘Free The Canal Street One’ wuzn’t such a bad idea afta all. See, stars like her are always full of ace ideas. Like that special benefit concert she did 4 me outside the Home Office. Sumone from Amnesty International worked out a way 2 pipe the sound str8 into the Home Secretary’s office and that worked a dream. He promised to sign my release paperz as soon as Nikki stopped singin. She’z got the voice of an angel and the scarz off a fight with Charlotte Church 2 prove it.

This time it was just sooooo easy 2 find a job tho. See sweeedies, I’m famous now. Down Anal Treet they call me the Peroxide Bomber. I’ve got fanz in high places as well u know. Afta that thing happened in Vivienne Westwood with the lube, the bag of flour and the backpack I’m like a style icon. Dazed n Confused’ve said that a 2006 is gonna be ALL about the rucksacks and ski masks. Forget bomba jackets, next year’s the year of tha bomba.

So anywayz, no more handin out tha Chubba Chupps and E’s at Essentials fer me. Get this sweedheartz, I’m like a personal stylist.

It wuz dead ace how I got the job as well. I wuz like standin round in The Thompsons Arms with a Breeezer tellin everyone what Bonecrunch Barry from Strangewayz cud do with a Tizer bottle and his forearm when this bint came up and started talkin to me.

U shuda seen her – Margo. She’z like sooooo fashion that she’z not smiled since 1998 coz of the Botox and the gak did her septum in yearrrz b4 Daniella Westbrook’s collapsed like Nathan at a bear orgy.

So she wuz stood there asymmetric fringe, yak cashmere poncho, skinnnyyy jeanz so tight u could count the genital warts on her mimsy. And she was like “Ur that vile puff who threatened to blow himself up in Selfridge’s if they eva let Colleen McLoughlin back thru the door. Ur fabulous and I’m head stylist at award winnin consultancy NoTaste?UsNeither. Wanna job, darlin?"

I wuz soooo made up I nearly hugged her (and u know me, I don’t do emotion – it ages the skin). She was acer though. Jus pointed one of her acrylics in me eye and said “Don’t u dare touch my skin u disgustin sodomite. This costs more 2 keep a year than u’ll earn in ur sad, STI-truncated life. Lay one finger on me and I’ll turn ur skanky hide into a pair of slingbacks.”

Don’t u just luuuuuuvvvv her, queenz?!!!??

I started on Monday and it’s totally fabulous. I go into the office every mornin (well, aftanoon if I got 2 fucked sidewayz the night before – it’s flexible workin’ LOL!) an they throw me sum dykey powerdressa what earnz squillions but thinks Big Mo Slater’s like a style icon. I get 2 take the poor bitch shoppin 4 hourz on end, diss her makeup and make her cry into her complimentary coffee and pastries. Then, when it’s all finished, I send them home early lookin like drag queenz in Ann Summers cast-offs.

One brought her husband along on Tuesday. He wuz a well fit DILF type who was totally only with her coz she’z worth enuff 2 keep him in Clinique and pills. He wuz winkin at me all thru the style consultation. So I sent her into tha changin rooms with a basque 3 sizes 2 small and he fucked me up against the clothes rail.

She even bought that dress afta I told her the silva smears ovah it were a designer pattern.

Confessions of a Dance Whore

2005-11-21T05:12:00.000-08:00

Heeyyyyyyyyy slags, it’s Nathan! Guess where I am. No, I didn’t botha swopping me Gran’s insulin 4 scag 2 book me a place with the big boyz in the big house. Sum things are far more important than cock. Like Madonna!

That’s right queenz, I’m in London. I came down the otha day for her gig at this nightclub in a reallleeeeey classy area called Camden. U should see it, it’s sooo posh it makes Manchester look totally scrotey. I mean, u get a propa standard of used needles lyin’ in the gutta round here. And nobody’s takin pills here anymore coz that cdn’t b more 90s than a solo hit single 4 one of the Spice Gurlz. It’s crystal meth or nuthin round ere sweetheart.

Forget what the place wuz called – Kock or sumthing. Parently it’s sum kind of indie club (like, ew!!! Indie kids are soooo vile, specially the indie gayz. I mean, they’re like so up-themselves coz they like music that like NO ONE has heard evah. And I’m just “Whateva sista – I know u spend more time in front of tha mirror with the str8ners than I do, so don’t even botha makin out ur betta than me!”)

Anywayz, Madonna had totally gayed up the place with right tasteful glitta balls and glitta spray. It was sooo ace – it looked like the Arndale branch of Claire’z Accessories with a bigga sound system. Thing is (and I know ur thinkin this, fanzzzz) how do u reckon I got in there? I mean, this was like ONLY the HUGEST thing 2 happen to the gayz all year (less u count Crusha Higginz. Danny sent me a picture message from prizun the otha day. I had 2 have a lie down – with a traffic cone. LOL!)

Naterally u’d expect sumone as fabulous as me 2 have ticket. Like, if Madge only knew what kind of Manchester trendsetters me n Danny was she’d be on the phone like right now goin, “Boyz, u SO have 2 cum and bring glama back 2 the occasion. Sum of these people don’t even know how 2 match a lace fingerless gloves 2 leggins and a ra-ra skirt fer fuck’s sake”. But no, eva since that thing happened with the wrap of K and the American Life signin’ session, nuthin. Ungrateful bitch! I Me n Danny were sure she wuz only jokin about that restrainin order.

Anywayz, seein as I wuz prepared to forgive her I went along (I mean, she’z got two kids – it’s tuff to juggle a career with bein a wife and mother and yr friendz – I shud know, I’ve seen Nine To Five enuff times).

It’s dead eazy 2 get down 2 London 4 free on the trains. All u need 2 do is find the customer services queeeen before it sets off and offa 2 do his shift 4 a few pillz. It’s such a doss. U just tell them the coffee machine’s knackered ova the PA system and give anyone passin through the shop evils when they look at the Jaffa cakes. No one eva notices tha difference.

Well, by the time I got 2 Camden u would not belieeeeeeeve the queue outside. It was like GI-NORMOUS. I’ve neva seen so many gayz in a str8 line this side of a Kylie night at Essentials. So I did tha usual and tapped the queen at the back of the queue on the shoulder, licked me lips and I wuz away… Won’t pretend it wuzn’t hard wurk sista (plus the taste sorta gets 2 u once u pass the 50 mark, but I had tic-tacs so it wuzn’t sooo bad)

Three hourz later and I wuz in! Yayy! Yeah, I did feel a bit bloated but that passed a few Breezers laterrr and I got right down tha front. These stuck-up queenz were totally dissin me when I stubbed me fag out accidentally in one of their eyez while Vogue-in but was I botherd?

Madge wuz completely amazing! I wuz blown away (and that’s afta a load of blowin’ b4hand, let me tell u hunny)! Don’t belieeeve the haterz who say she mimed – she’z just got this throat condition that meanz her mouth moves at a different speed to the wurdz now, didntcha know.

She’z just SO flexible 4 a woman of her age as well. That’s coz of yoga and NOT cause Madonna’s acterlly a 19 stone recluse now who sendz outa puppet to do all her personal appearances. I mean, I don’t know how that rumour started that the collarbone break thing started afta one of the strings snapped at a press conference.

All I’m sayin is sista, u can have all the plastic surgery u like, but u can’t do nuthin about tha handz. She’d betta start wearin gloves soon, else all the gayz’ll want chicken feet fer hands too.

U used 2 bring me roses...

2005-11-16T03:49:00.000-08:00

Hey there, it’s Dannyyyy. Big hello to evryone at Amnesty International – specially that dead fit stoodent who visited me cell last week. That wuz loadza fun. Crusha Higginz from Cell Block C sed he hasn’t had nuthin that tight since they stopped transferrin yung offendaz into hiz Wing.

Wut??? He LUV’D it sista, and that’s the truth! I woulda taken im meself but I was like completely shagged out. I mean, Crusha’s an animal. The things he can do with a mop handle and a bar of soap are enuff 2 make ur eyes water.

No but seriously losserrrz, prison is totally ace!! I haven’t ad this much sex since Nathan smashed a bottle of popperz in the toilets at Cruz. Get this, u get to stay in bed 4 like 23 hours a day which is SO betta than floggin’ Clinique wrinkle cream to sluts from Wilmslow wot have total alligator skin.

Even betta than that, just when u’ve finished ur beauty sleep wot happens? Loadsa dead fit scally and builda types cum in! It’s like a dream cum true. Nathan’s dead jeal – in fact he’s thinkin about pushin his Gran off her stairlift just so he can get the cell next 2 me. It’s got a luvvly set of manacles screwed in2 the walls.

I cud so stay here foreva. Parently I’m on something called ‘appeal’ at the moment. Them scrotes at Amnesty Internation are always like ringin me up and sayin “This is an outrage. Your liberty is bein compromised by a crypto-fascist government”. And I’m like “Do you know how hard it is ter find a propa top, hunny? I’m not goin back out there till I need a drawstring round my ring, sista.”

See, I wuz totally 4 just pleadin’ guilty 2 the terrorist charges. I wanted to turn up 2 court wearing a totally Asian Babe-tastic salwar-kameez, big glasses and a headscarf goin “I’m givin plastic surgery up 4 plastic explosives!” Wut did I care.

They sed that if I sed we wuz goin to attack America they’d send me sumwhere called Guantanamo Bay which is like practickly Cuba. Free holiday sweedies – what’s to complain about that?

Anyway, I wuz just about to do that when guess wut happened. I got me first taste of propa celebrity. (And that’s not the same as suckin off sum old boyband memba in the toilets at Paradise – evryone’s done that). Guess what. The ‘Free The Canal Street One’ campaign (hiya Gran!) got a celebrity sponsa. And not just any celebirity either – only Nikki Sanderson! Imagine that – Candice from Corrie is totally on my side. That’s like top drawer glama, glitta and celebrity.

She like wrote me this dead long letta (well, it wuz on the back of a Candice Stowe postcard) tellin me that she’d seen me on the news. She wuz watchin in durin the break in Corrie (she always watches it coz it’s good 4 her technique, not coz she’s like a crap fame-hungry self-obsessed up-erself hussy) when she saw me behind bars.

It was like then that she realised that I wuz just like her. A misundastood and fragile human bein what has totally suffered coz of the ignorance of otha people. She could really relate 2 me. I mean, I’d been thrown inta prison 4 threatenin to blow meself up in Primark (it wuda been a blessin to sum of the mingaz in there) – she’d been thrown outa China White’s fer not bein famous enough. We’d like both suffered!

So anywayz, Nikki is now the head of the ‘Free The Canal Street One’ appeal and she’s dedicatin the 1st single in her totally not doomed pop career 2 me. I’m gonna be in the video and everythin! They’re makin me a sparkly burkha and a totally bling belt bomb stuffed with sequins instead of ball bearings.

It’ll be so ace. Next time u see me I’ll scalin the dizzy heights of stardom. U know, video showins at 2am on The Box, halfway down the bill at Pride b4 Lisa Scott-Lee and afta Hazell Dean. Sky’s the limit, sweethearts.

Jus like don’t expect me to want ter know u now I’m famous. I’m mixin with the reeeel stars now.

Bang'd Up

2005-11-07T08:06:00.000-08:00

Heeeyyyyya peeps, it’s Nathan. Did ya miss me?

And b4 u haterz start accusin me n Danny of bein in sum K hole all this time – you are SO wrong, sistaz. Acterlly, Danny is like the latest victim of ‘the Government’s repressive anti-terror regime’ (his solicitor’s makin’ me copy this down. He sez it’s sumthing to do with freedom, it sounds more like ingredients in a new shampoo to me. LOL!)

I mean, how arsey is this? Danny was just wanderin’ round in sum burkha he’d got in a charity shop and leavin’ big rucksacks round town fer a laugh. It woz dead funny. U shud’ve seen all those queeeny shop dollies coppin’ the sight of them in Kendals. I’ve not seen anyone move that fast since Danny got food poisoning when we wuz at an orgy last year.

Danny wud’ve gotten away with it as well if it hadn’t been fer that stoopid burkha. I told him, if yer gonna wear a long skirt make sure u team it with flat shoes. He was like “Whateva girlfriend – it’s the hooky Manolo Blahniks or nuthin.” So of course he snapped a heel bein’ chased by the fuzz down Deansgate and went down like a bag full of Dawns.

They wuz gonna let him off too till they did the strip search (I knew he’d make them do that – slut!) and found ‘is stash. So now he’s on some ‘possession with intent to supply’ (I wish this solicitor wud stop pokin’ me in the ribs and poke me sumwhere else. LOL!) charge. That’s like total crap. I mean, 15 grammes of coke and sum K, that’s nuthin. Just enuff 4 like a Wednesday night – as long as it’s a quiet night in, mind.

Right losserrz, well while Danny’s been ‘languishing in prison’ (look luv, if u make me type this shit 1 more time… Wut? Well, how about a nosh instead then? There’s a luv.) I’ve been havin’ me own troubles.

It just so happened that the same day Danny went down I came down with sumthing nasty too. Well, I didn’t know it was nasty till this person suckin’ me off down the police station (he wuz in that interview room a long time and that suspected car thief was a total dish, OK?) told me cum’s not meant 2 be green.

Afta he’d finished throwin’ up he took me straight down the GUM clinic. It was dead romantic – he hotwired a TT to take me there and everythin. Only thing was that when I got in there and on the bed with me legs in the stirrups I totally forgot where I was and said “It’s £30 if you want to put yer whole hand in, hunny”. That up-himself doctor was dead unimpressed.

Anyway, so he took a swab (he said they usually use a cotton bud, but fer me ‘e had to call out 4 a feather duster) and told me I had this new form of Syphilis. So I said like “How can I? She’s not been in Coronation Street fer ages.” And he said, NO, syphilis was like sum serious disease, and I had like this new form of it. It’s meant 2 b like bird flu (whateva that is – I only read Heat so I’ll give a shit when Jordan gets it) but 4 the gays.

So then he put on this mask and big plastic suit and rang this alarm. Then a load of nurses and ppl came runnin in all wearin the same stuff (I thought I must’ve been caught up in sum medical fetish party so I was dead miffed – last time I went to one of those the surgical spirit turned me highlights blue). I’ve spent the last 3 weeks in quarantine bein’ fed antibiotics from both ends.

I knew I shudn’t have shagged that Liberal Democrat councillor in Essentials. U know when Danny sez “Don’t go there, sista, he’z a right slag,” that sumone’s got to be REALLY bad.

Cottage 4 sale

2005-10-04T09:10:00.000-07:00

Hiyaaa fanz, it’s Dannnnyyyyyyyy. So cum on then, what does it feel like 2 b reading the diary of the newest and hottest thing in Manchester clubland? I’m hotter than a fat queen in a pair of rubber chaps, hunny.

Get this: I’m soooo like ovah fashion and beauty now. It’s such a dead end. I mean, I can’t belieeeve I wasted soo much of my time standin’ around getting’ fish-faced old mingas to buy Crème de la Mer. They’d have been betta off cutting out the middle man and jumpin’ str8 into the sea. No, I’m dead glad those scrotes kicked me out of Debenham’s like that. They even gave me a body search they gave me b4 they chucked me (good job I flushed that wrap of coke and got Dawn to hide all them Elizabeth Arden cremez in her knickerzz – size they are we ‘ad room 4 half a crate. LOL!)

I wuz gonna sue ovah that, but then sum lawyer I sucked off in essentials the night after said that winkin’ back at the security guard and asking him for anotha few fingers up there might count against me in court.

Anyway, I got me revenge the next day by goin’ back to Debenham’s wearin’ one of Nathan’s new chemotherapy scarves, a black dress and a big rucksack. Pretendin’ to be a suicide bomba wuz soooo ace. All I had to do wuz leave the rucksack by the lift and everything went ape! I’ve always wanted to be on the newz.

So then I was like claiming jobseeker’s allowance fer a bit. Well, I say allowance – it was actually fer me, my drag alter-ego Dolly, me dead Gran and our cousin who moved to Australia, u can’t keep a Selfridge’s habit like mine up for £50 a week, sista. It wuz alright fer a bit. Daytime telly’s fab – I totally heart Trisha, but Columbo’s farrrr 2 stooopid 4 me. I mean, u’d think he’d just hang around at the beginning and arrest them b4 they did the murder!?!

Then I got bored after a while. I wuz just about 2 hand me CV in at Boots beauty (I know it’s SOOO downmarket, but the light in there’s soo strong it wud save me a fortune on fake tanning) when I got me idea. Well, actually I got it when I came round out of a K-hole at 11am on a Sunday morning in essentials toilets. I thought to meself, u spend so much time in here, Danny, why don’t u just stay here?

And that’s exactly what I’m doin, losserrz. Say hello to essential’s newest and most valued worka – Danny the toilet tart. Next time u see me, u’ll be off ur face and I’ll be handin’ out the Chuppa Chupps and E’s by the condom machine. (Slip me an extra 20 and I’ll let u have a go on me with somethin’ from the condom machine as well. 20 more and I’ll let u do it bareback. LOL!)

I luv my new job it’s ace. When everyone’s dead monged they let me dress up in a clown mask and hand out glo sticks to the puntaz. U should see their faces! Especially when they find out where I’ve been hidin’ the glo-sticks... Lateeerrrzz

Fashion killz!

2005-09-23T09:12:00.000-07:00

Hey there, loseeeeerrrrrzzzzz. Haven’t been around lately but am I botherd? No. Well, Danny is. Debenham’s got well arsey on his ass when he didn’t go into work for like two weeks after Mardi Gras. That was some K-hole, let me tell u, sista.

Duncan at my work couldn’t give a shit tho. ‘E was so twatted for a week and a half after that there’s looooads of horse-face bitches drivin’ round Cheshire in 4x4s with lookin’ like Afghan hounds. Suitz them cause they’re all dogz. LOL. They were like dead angry when he showed them their new cutz in the mirror. Duncan’s a twat but he’s really professional so he well got away with it. Just told them that it was the Kate Moss on Crack look and they should be grateful for getting propa London hairstylez fer Manchester prices.

So Danny’s unemployed at the moment. He’s lovin’ it coz he gets to go on the rob more and see Loose Women on telly (I’m dead jeal – Kym Marsh is such a diva).

Mind you, bein’ a Working Gurl does have its advantages. And what with workin at the cutting-edge of fashion, beauty and design let me tell you I’ve got my finger on the pulse. It’s bangin’ away like a bear at a sauna too. LOL!

So I was sittin on my lunch at work the otha day (me arse is still a bit numb after I went home with this bloke who did things u wouldn’t believe with a Sooty hand puppet) so I couldn’t tell I wuz squashing me butties when I got an idea. Only like me first class hairdressing concept idea. I cud hardly wait. I wuz off that settee and into the salon with a pair of clipperz like the clapperz.

U see, u can learn sum really useful stuff from Heat and Closer magazine, u know. Like last week they were sayin that celebrities can be tooooooo skinny and stuff. Anna Rexia’s a growing problem among young women today. Belieeve me, I know. I went to skool with her and she’s a bitch!

Anyways, in this week’s Closer they had all these tragic pics of Kylie. I wuz lookin’ at them thinkin’ God she’s SUCH an icon fer our times and a survivor and a strong woman when I got this brill idea.

So right, I’m sittin here right now and u wouldn’t believe it, but I’ve sacrificed my beautiful blond locks fer the sake of a gr8er cause – fashion. U think I’m goin’ to let the latest trend of our gr8est gay icon pass me by, honey? No fear.

Get this. I’m now totally bald and have a growing and fabulous collection of headscarves. Ppl totally stare at me funny like, but I don’t care. This is THE look for 2006 – Chemo chic.

An’ if u think that’s dedicated u shd see Danny. Eva since Madonna fell off that horse he’s been goin’ round in a sling. It’s dead good – he’s made it out of a Dior bathtowel and put glitter on it.

Merry (LOL!) Gay Xmas!!!!!!!

2005-08-26T06:29:00.000-07:00

Hey queeenzz, Danny here. Me n Nathan are SOOOOOO lookin forward to Pride we’re cackin’ our Calvins (well, not really cackin’ coz we don’t do brown – for less than £200). It’s gonna be fabulous. I mean, Gay Xmas isn’t Xmas without snow – n me n Nathan have got stacks of coke in, special like.

There’ll also be loadsa gays me n Nathan haven’t shagged yet there visiting. It’s like Fuck-a-Fresha week cum early! And let’s face it, by this time in the year we’ve shagged everyone, their best friends and their str8 friends after slippin’ them a GHB. U know what wise people (like Graham Norton) say. Variety’s the Spice Gurlz of Life! LOL!

What’s dead serious about Pride every year tho is the music. I mean, forget AIDS and shit like that – only old ugleees get that and there’s 2 many of them anyway. Last year we had a dead ace time goin’ round the candlelit vigil singin’ Happy Birthday and blowin’ all the candles out. Don’t even talk to me about what we changed the wurdz to Candle In The Wind to.

It’s gr8, coz Pride is like the only chance u get 2 hear all the best muzic in the world…evah in one place. They always get real icons: u know, Kele Le Roc, Rozala, Sam Fox, the fish with the big nose and the totally severe bob from Scooch…. And then they all sing like their best songs while we stand around watchin’ and drinkin Breezers. It’s ace.

Especially 2 years ago when Sam Fox came and did Santa Maria in like this boiler suit coz she’s a lezzer now with some German mufflick girlfriend who looks like my faghag Dawn with a plumber’s belt on. What I LOVE about Sam is that she’s SUCH a gr8 singa, songwriter and performa. A total 100% icon.

Anyways me n Nathan was watchin’ er and we were both dead twatted – we’d had like four million breezers and had dropped enuff K to like level the Grand National. And Nathan said: “Sam’s lookin’ at you Dannneeee”.

So I looked up and I was so sure Sam was lookin’ right at me. I mean, she WAS jumpin round so much her tits kept slappin’ her in the face (but she likes that now – I mean she eats minge. Ew!) but she was lookin at me.

That was my chance. So I threw me flip flops at some up themselves gayz who had their backs turned to Queen Sam and ran str8 up to the stage. Then I hit both bouncers in the balls (I’d had them both in a 4sum anyway when they caught me getting’ screwed by this skinhead in the toilets at Cruz and they were RUBBISH!) and climbed up 2 giv Sam a hug.

She wuz AMAZING!!! She just looked at me right in the eye, went “Who’s this scrote?” and whistled at her gurlfriend like this

*Phheeeeeeeee!*

Then this minda at the other end of the stage took this dog collar off from round her gurlfriend’s neck….

And the next thing I knew I woke up in Casualty with 4 cracked ribs, a black eye and bite marks all the way down both legs. Dawn was cryin – daft bi-atch - and Nathan couldn’t stop laughin’.

I was totally honoured. I’d been roughed up by the roughest Pop icon of all time. Now all I’ve got to do is Numba Two. Anyone know where Nicola from Girls Aloud knocks about?

Working Gurl

2005-08-12T09:09:00.000-07:00

Hey loserz, Nathan signin’ in 4 a bit of pre-weekend fun. It’s gonna b gr8. Me and Danny r off 4 a night on the scrounge since we’re both skint – no thanks to that total wanka who sold us Tippex fuckin thinner instead of GHB. What does ‘e think we are? Fuckin’ glue sniffing scrotes. As if. Me n Danny only go 4 the best class As.

But anyways, I so can’t wait 4 work to finish today. Sometimes it’s so vile wurkin here u wouldn’t believe it. My jizz-breath boss, Duncan, is completely Sigourney Weaver in Working Gurl (he even had the perm like a million years ago in the 80s. I’ve seen the pictures. LOL!)

Which means I’m totally Melanie Griffiths, who is absolutely fab. I’m gonna have plastic surgery just like hers when I’m older. The face like a puffa fish with a peanut allergy look is SO for the noughties.

He’s being really mean today. Just coz I was like half an hour late this morning (I had hair str8ning issues – okay!) he’s keeping me behind after. Danny’s well jealous. He thinks Duncan’s like a dead fit DILF (Dad I’d Like to Fuck. LOL!)

He’s doing a root lift on some hard-faced office fish right now. I took the appointment call from her the other day. She wuz a complete bitch when I told her we don’t do late appointments. I mean, get real sista. Some of us have social lives!

So she got well arsey and wouldn’t get off the phone till I put her on to Duncan. She wuz sayin’ things like “I didn’t get where I am today by bandying words with some shop dolly.” And I was like “Whateva. Like I’m gonna be a shop dolly all my life.”

I know u wdn’t think to look at me, but I’m more than just a pretty face. It’s just like Melanie – I’ve got a head for business and a bod for sin. If that fannypad thinks I’m gonna spend all my life sweepin’ hair off floors in a crappy salon she’s well wrong. I’m gonna have my own salon and do body wraps and everythin’. It’ll be in London and total stars like Jordan’ll come round for me to do their makeup for premiers and OK fashion shoots and stuff. I’ll be like the celebrity miracle worker they use in Heat to diss things like Davina McCall’s new dye job (unless I’d done it anyway).

And I know what ur sayin right now. Where’s he gonna get the money for a swanky salon when he’s spent his wage packet by Wednesday on clubbing, drugs and being fantastic? Well that’s where having the head of a brilliant businesswoman comes in handy and this is the plan.

Right, u’ve gotta keep real quiet coz it’s a secret. There’s this dead famous actor, right. U know ‘im off the telly and he’s really old and gross but wut do I care coz I can just close my eyes and think of Paul Danan (he’s so fit! I luv scally psychos) Well this actor’s down this pub on Canal Street like every night lookin’ 4 people to take home like the dirty slut he is.

He usually totally goes 4 scals but that doesn’t matter either. All I hav to do is borrow me Mum’s tracksuit, get Danny to nick a baseball cap 4 me and I’m away. I can go up to ‘im, slap his arse (betta make sure I don’t ride the waves, mind) and do it for £50.

That’s when the fun starts tho. How much do u reckon The Sun wd pay 4 the pictures?

I’m dead excited now. This time next month I cd b the new Abi Titmuss!

Str8er than hair str8ners

2005-08-08T03:32:00.000-07:00

OMG u wd not belieeeeve the wkend I’ve had, sweeedies. I thought it wd b soooo lame as well. I mean, I wuz goin 2 have 2 stay in an’ everythin. Can u imagine it? Mee staying in the house at the wkend. Just coz those wankerz at the bank got reeeally up themselves and took my cards off me. Bitches!

They soo don’t understand what it takes 2 b a fabulous gay like me. The Louis Vuitton bag, Ghost tank top and Yves Saint Laurent silk scarf with ‘aborted foetus screen print’ were SO not ‘frivolous purchases’. As for that Barclays bi-yatch who said I had to ‘lay off the shopping or else’ – well, fuck you and your Wizard’s sleeve hunny. No shopping – I’d die.

Well, anyways I was in SUCH a strop after that I had to go out on the rob to calm down. Nathan was SO useless – work on a Saturday’s for loserz. If they evah try to rota me in at the wkend I just drop some GHB on me tea break, start cryin’ in front of the supervisor and tell the dozy cow I got date raped last night.

So seein’ as Nathan wuz busy sweepin’ up munters’ hair I took my fabulous fag hag friend Dawn with me. Now me and Dawn have been dead good mates evah since she fell off a pair of cork wedge heels into me upstairz in Spirit two years ago.

Yeah, she’s well fat and always tries to fuck me when she’s drunk and like bursts into tears when I tell her like “Have you got a cock, Dawn? Then fuck off out my life like right now”. But she’s got a car (well, it’s like a purple Nissan Micra with cuddly toy seats) and all good queeenz need wheels, don’t they sweeeeties? I couldn’t have a car like that mind. All the cum would mat the fur fabric up. LOL!!!

Right, so I met up with Dawn and we both went ’lifting in Selfridges. I have to be careful there – evah since that shit went down with the acid in the Dior body lotion (she deserved it, the stuck-up cow!) I had the YSL scarf on and this ace kaftan I nicked out the changing rooms in Flannels though, so I was looking totally Posh-tastic. Plus, seeing as Nathan gave Dawn a brand new lesbian cut and highlights she well out-butches me.

The kaftan turned out 2 b fan-fucking-tastic. I managed to stuff like two Prada cardigans, an unstructured baguette handbag and sum DEVINE shell pinkGucci thong flip flops up there. Then all I had 2 do was pretend 2 be pregnant and make like I wuz going to have morning sickness like ALL OVAH the Chloe Autumn/Winter collection to get the hell outa there.

It wuz gr8. Even if Dawn did get detained for questioning. Wuss. It’s her own fault. If she wasn’t such a big fat lezzer in denial she’d have so been able to outrun that chav in a tie security guard.

Course the one who caught up with me round the back of Kendal’s was totally fucking clueless. Called me ‘madam’ and everything’. It was like hysterical.

Especially when I asked him if there wuz ‘anythin I can do, officer?’ and licked me lips at him.

Ooh, nearly forgot. Must pop the kaftan in the dry cleaner’s. Lateeerrrzzzz!

Botherd!

2005-08-01T07:59:00.000-07:00

Oh. My. God. I am SO twatted right now. Danny is such a VILE queen 4 slippin’ that pill in my Breezer last night.

It was a fab nite though. Me n Danny came up just when Girls Aloud’s new single came on and we were both like WOW. We were so fuckd that we both thought we were Girls Aloud. It was amazing. Danny proper thought he wuz Cheryl and minced off to the toiletz to slap a few people up.

I wuz just stood there like totally convinced I was Nicola. People kept cumming up to me asking “are you alright?” and I was just “BOTHERD”. I kept thinkin’ I had long ginga hair and loadsa fake tan and neva got any lines in the songs. ‘Parently all I kept sayin’ to everyone was “Botherd! I’m not botherd! Does my face look botherd?” LOL.

Anyways we didn’t get back home till about 6am coz sum total gay had Danny chucked out for ‘violent behaviour’. What a gurl. Didn’t he know it’s not violent unless u draw blood? I got me own back anyway – I slipped some GHB into his drink and pointed him at sum well dodgy skinheads.

Well by this point Danny was totally AWOL and had my cash for the taxi (I SO wasn’t walking home in these new fuck-me flip flops). It took ages to find im. Had to go into sum well dodgy places as well. I got asked ‘fer business' by about three hookers. I was like “WHATEVA. U shud be cummin’ to me for cocksuckin’ tips, sista!”

Course I shud have known where I’d find Danny. He wuz down the Canal tryin’ to turn a few tricks to get back the money he’d lost during the night. Turns out he’d spent my taxi cash on K as soon as we got in the club, the bastard. He felt dead guilty about it though – that wuz why he wuz noshing that lorry driva. He’d promised him twenty quid for it

Danny’s such a gud m8 like that. I wuz so pleased I ended up finishing him off meself. The lorry driva ended up giving us £30 for the extra. Enuff for the taxi home and a McTucky’s fried chicken as well.

I’ve got a well funny taste in me mouth this mornin’. I hope it wuz the coleslaw. LOL!

Label Queen

2005-07-27T02:25:00.000-07:00

Hey sweedies it’s Danny here – Nathan’s partner in fabulous. Nathan’s all about the drama but me, I’m all about the glama. It’s bling bling or nuthing 4 me. LOL!

See, this is me me me after an afternoon out on the rob round Kendals. Gr8, isn’t it? I got the idea from Cilla off Corrie and went round the shop with Nathan pretendin 2 b sum spakka kid in a wheelchair. I luv Cilla. She’s just like my Mum.

Nathan’s a colourist in this swish hairdressaz off Deansgate. Well, he sez colourist but he really just mixes the peroxide in the back for them up-themselves bitches from Wilmslow or Kuntsford and places. His boss Duncan (who iz such a VILE queen, I mean he wouldn’t buy me a Breezer or shag me or anyfing) sez that if he keeps sweeping up all that hair proper he might get 2 do sumone’s roots round Christmas. He’d betta not get 2 fucked at Essentials the night b4 mind else he’ll scalp the bii-atch. LOL!

Anyway, don’t listen to Nathan, I’m a propa career queen, me. I work on the make-up counter in Debenham’s (it was Selfridge’s but they were propa arsey about sum Crème de La Mer that accidentally landed in the inner pocket of my bag). So if u want any advice on how to make urlself look totally Paris Hilton I’m the one to ask. Well, only if ur pretty mind otherwise I’ll be like “Whateva” in ur face. I’m a makeup artiste, sweedie, not a brickie (tho I’ve shagged a few).

An’ next time you run out of Rimmel Colorlast lipstick cum c me on my fag break. U can find me outside Basement Sauna most days at 11 takin’ in the aromas cummin out the Xpelair. I’ll rob u whateva u need half retail price plus a pack of ten Silk Cut Ultra. I’m doin’ a Christmas book as well, so keep an eye out for what Kate Moss is pluggin’. It’s a new signature fragrance about her new luv pikey lozer luv. It’s called Crack Whore and it’s TOTALLY addictive.

Smell y'later queeeenz

Danny xxx

Welcum to our dollhouse loserrz

2005-07-26T13:31:00.000-07:00

Hiya!! Welcum (LOL!) to our blog. We're like Nathan and Danny and Manchester never say two bigger gayz in all its days. LOL!

We liv in Hulme in like the bestest flat. Well actaully it's New Hulme, which is SO the place to be if ur young well fit style icons like ma and Danny are. Not like them old up themselves gayz u c round the Village. U know - the mingers who are well old. Like 25 or sumfing.

And one more thing 4 u up-urselves types! New Hulme is and not on the border of scrote land! Like we'd live anywhere near our K dealers. Whatever!

I best tell y'all how we met.

Well, I can't remember like REALLy well. I mean it was in Essentials. (Me and Danny live in Essentials at the wkend. I mean, the bouncers put us camp beds (LOL!) up and everything. It's gr8 4 group sex with the doormen.)

Like, if ur too fucked to go home why not fuck the door staff. I mean, it only makes sense, gurlfriend.

Anyways, I was SOOOOO fucked on like four pills and a wrap of K and Danny wuz there by me on the podium pullin this minger friend of an ex shag who had like the worst razor hair like evah. I was just going to go up to him and say like "Hey bitch, get urself over to my salon tomorrow and I'll get you some highlights to turn u into a proper gay," when.... On A Night Like This came on.

Now as soon as that happened me and Danny like looked into one another eyes. And I knew then. I knew I'd met my . . . waddya call it. It's like made of shoes. Oh yeah, solemate.

Fuck. I've left Mrs Pendle-Brewes under the fucking drier. Her demi-wave'll look like a pan scrubber. Match her face then.

Laters, loserzzzzz!!!!!

Nathan xxxxx